(Seventh in the series, “Becoming a Father“)
One question a lot of people ask us is, “Have you thought about names for your baby?”
The answer is yes, as far as a nickname is concerned. In my very first email to friends announcing wife’s pregnancy, I started writing about this UFO - unidentified floating object - in my wife’s belly, and the name stuck. Since then when wife and I talk to each other about the baby, we refer to “UFO this” and “UFO that”. (Instead of the usual “U-F-O”, we pronounce it as “you-ful”.)
Since we won’t find out UFO’s sex until it is born, we’d like to have prepared a list of proper names for both cases when UFO touches down on planet earth. Things however, are slow-going in this department.
Folks, naming a baby is hard. First we don’t want to pick a name where UFO’s classmates will be making fun of UFO for the rest of his/her life (e.g. Bertha, Dick, etc.). Second, one day UFO might win the Nobel Prize; so to sound good on BBC, its name must not be something plainjane or jack, yet not too dead serious either (e.g. Isaac, Sirus are out). Last of all, in my family any of our naming choices must make it through the censors (i.e. the baby’s grandparents).
If the task isn’t difficult enough already, in a globalized world today, it becomes impossible: we have a Korean acquaintance called “Yu Hong-Nam” and he always gets laughed at in Thailand because his name sounds exactly like “I am in the toilet” in Thai. I also know a tall Japanese girl living in Japan who is crazy about Brazilian dancing and calls herself “Valeria”, no doubt, to feel more Brazilian herself; nothing unusual except if she makes it down to Brazil one day she might get puzzled looks: Valeria seems to be a popular name for transvestites there.
  Valeria: “Hi, I am Valeria from Japan.”
  Brazilian Stranger: “And I thought..er…those were real! *Giggles*”
(Disclaimer: this has been an approximate translation of a probable exchange between Valeria and any sane Brazilian and is not meant to embarrass anyone, with the possible exception of Valeria.)
We also get mail from people saying things like, “Naming your baby is the fun part, isn’t it?” And right away we know that either they are the ones that name their babies “Maximilian” or “Glaedwine”, or they have never had a baby before.
So my strategy now, in addition to avoiding the pitfalls mentioned above, is to make my own list of names and take it to the hospital when UFO is born. Then while looking at UFO’s face I will go down the list one by one to see which name UFO resembles the most. “Do you look like Aaron? No. Do you look like Abby? No. Do you look like Abigail…”
My ultimate fear, however, is the answer of the question “Do you look like UFO?” will be a resounding “Yes” since the name has been ingrained in our minds for many months already.
But thankfully, that’s what censors are for.